Feeling rather empowered :)

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free 'til they find someone just at wild to run with them" -Sex & the City <3

I  like quotes a lot. I think partially because they can describe how I feel in a better way than I could string words together and partially because it lets me know that I'm not the only person who's ever felt this way. Someone worthy of quoting has felt this way and I'm obviously not alone.

I've been thinking and I don't know if I need a boyfriend. I'm doing so well on my own. I'm so busy. I have the school cheer squad, Victory, Leadership, Student Council, friends, family, and I don't know if a boyfriend would really fit into my lifestyle. It's like I just need somebody who is already part of what I do, so I don't have to add another thing to my list of stuff to do.

When I really think about it, I kind of prefer being single. I get to do whatever I want without having to worry about someone else tying me down. I can hug a guy without the world needing to be notified. Hell, I can do whatever I want with whoever I want without the world needing to be notified. I like feeling self-relient. Still, it would be kind of nice to have someone there. Someone to talk to all the time. Someone to hang out with when I wanted to. Someone to hold hands with and cuddle with. You know, all that sappy romantic stuff. I just haven't found someone that fits my life.

On a random note, someone told me today that a while ago, I wore these Under Armour sweatpants that apparently a lot of guys like. I just think they're comfortable and I'm lazy, but I'm glad people notice or whatever. But, he told me that one day I wore them and I walked to go get lunch in the cafeteria and 2 entire lunch tables of guys were just staring at me. Sort of creepy? Possibly. Sort of flattering? Definitely :) It sort of makes me feel awesome to know that I can do that. By just wearing certain pants, I can make 2 lunch tables of guys stare at me. Now, if only those pants worked for real relationships...

Yeah, well, this randomness has gone on long enough :) <3

Stay Beautiful ♥

Looking back at all of my emotions this weekend, I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster. Where I'm at now, though, is actually pretty good. I'm really peaceful. I felt really alone for a lot of the weekend, but I'm realizing that I have to put myself out there more if I want people to be there for me. I can't just hide in my shell and hope someone cares enough to look in and find out how I really feel.

I'm really grateful for my best friend. We have been through hell and back together and today reinforced that we can make it through anything. She is so amazing and people don't appreciate her enough<3

Boys on the other hand are not-so-amazing. I hate having to jump through hoops to make them happy and then I'm the second choice anyways. I deserve to be a first choice. Everyone does. If you are a second choice, that is clearly the wrong guy for you and nothing good could come of that relationship.

I'm feeling surprisingly good right now. I was sad and then I let myself cry and now I feel so much better. It was so nice to stop being strong for a little while. I didn't have to pretend like I had it all together and knew all of the right answers. No one needs to be that strong.

Now, I think I'm just gonna work on putting myself back together. I've sort of lost sight of the important things in the past few months, but I plan on putting everything back in order. As of now, life is good <3 :)

You're tied together with a smile, but you're coming undone;

I don't even know where to start with this one. I don't even really know how I feel right now.

So, I watched "No Strings Attached" and "Blue Valentine" with my sister tonight.I really liked them both, they just sort of made me feel crappy. I use movies to escape a lot of times and all I could think of was myself while I was watching them.
"No Strings Attached" went pretty much exactly how I thought it would. I really feel like I was like Natalie Portman's character in a lot of ways. She pretty much refused to let herself be in a relationship because she didn't like who she became when she was in a relationship. And then when she met someone who she actually liked, she was too scared to take a chance. STORY OF MY LIFE. I am still scarred from past relationships. I don't want to be in a relationship because I don't want to have to go through all of the hurt again. Atleast when you just have a boy and not a boyfriend, when it ends, you don't have to go through all of the awkward stuff. There's no going from "in a relationship" to "single" on Facebook. You don't have to tell anyone anything. You owe absolutely no one an explanation. And if you get hurt, you can mourn in peace. Lately, though, I've just sort of been sick of feeling like I have to do that when I see all of these other people in their happy relationships. Why does everyone else deserve to be so happy? Why are all of these terrible people who do terrible things getting to have great relationships? I feel like I'm such a good person. I probably just revoked my 'good person' card by saying that, but whatever. I just don't understand. So many people tell me how amazing I am. How I'm so beautiful and sweet and funny and how anyone would be lucky to get the chance to know me. Why is it then that I am always a second choice? No one is fighting for my attention. No one is doing nice things for me. No one is trying to be my knight in shining armor. How is that fair to me? What did I do to deserve this? I don't want to hear all of the shit about how I just have to be patient. I don't want to hear that people aren't worthy of me. That doesn't make me feel better. I just want to know why. Why do I have to be different? Why do I have to fight so hard when things just come so easy to everyone else?

I also just really feel alone right now, honestly. I feel like I'm there for so many people, but when I need help, everyone is busy or the answer I get is something not comforting at all. Maybe it's my fault? I just don't open up to people very much. Even my closest friends don't know what I'm actually feeling a lot of times. I always put on this happy face like everything is just wonderful, but sometimes, things just aren't wonderful. I sort of feel like my problems aren't important enough, though. People are dealing with this life-changing stuff and I'm just mad that I can't find a nice guy. I'm just afraid to open up, too, I guess. Things have just been thrown back in my face A LOT.

I'm a really genuine person when it comes to telling other people how I feel. So many other people just aren't, though. I have SO much faith in everyone. I give everyone so many chances. I don't allow myself to be mad at anyone or hate anyone because my body is just not physically capable. Like literally, I CAN'T be mad at someone. Somehow, I always turn it around to be my fault. Even when I so badly just want to hate someone for even a second, I can't let myself have the thought. When I think of someone, I think of all of the good things wayyyyyy before I think about the bad things. People may be annoying, but I just can't help but be friends with everyone. I can't have anyone be mad at me. I can't take it. Like, people have done some mean things to me lately and all I want is for everyone to feel okay, even though I'm not okay. I just take everyone else's pain and put it on myself. I somehow come up with a way for things to be my fault and then I feel bad.

I don't know how I'm really feeling. I'm so conflicted and hurt and confused honestly. I so badly just want to be happy and get rid of all of these negative thoughts. I thought I was really doing good for a while and all of a sudden, the carpet was pulled from under my feet and now I don't know.

So, I'm going to pick up the pieces of whoever the hell I am right now and I'm gonna put myself back together. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of friendship. I am worthy of being myself. Maybe I'm too nice and I care too much, but I guess that's a whole lot better than hating everyone and not caring at all.

I think Marilyn Monroe said it best,"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." <3

Intros and Random Thoughts

So, for any random person reading this, I'm Morgan. I like summer, purple, puppies, kittens, cheerleading, sweet tea, long hair, my best friend, musicals, Disney movies, texting, music, dancing, sleeping, red velvet cake, and lots of other stuff :) For all of my friends reading this because I gave them the link, hi :)

I decided to make a blog pretty much just for funsies. I thought it might be nice to have a place to put my thoughts into words. I might cuss, or say things that people don't agree with and that's fine. I'm not trying to change lives or anything, just share what I feel like sharing. And hey, maybe someone will see this and I will make the slightest bit of difference in their life. That would be just fine with me :)

So that this blog is not completely pointless, I'll share some random thoughts I have. In true Chessa Metz form, I'm doing them in a list :)

1. I am so ready for summer. I can't focus in school anymore. I think I've slept every single day since I got back from Spring Break, it's bad. 17 more days, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel <3

2. People have really been surprising me lately and not really in the best way. A lot of people have just been showing their true colors and they are not as pretty as I once thought. I still can't help but see the best in people and hope it's only a phase.

3. I'm trying out for cheerleading at my school. It will hopefully be my 3rd year cheering for Northwest and my first year on VARSITY! Gahh, that doesn't even seem real yet. I can't be old enough to be on Varsity. I can't be almost 16. I can't be getting ready to get my license. THIS CANNOT BE REAL. I just don't feel old enough to be doing this. I can remember when Alex was 16 and starting to do all of this stuff and I could not even imagine myself being 16. Slowly but surely,though, it's becoming real. Exciting :)

4. I'm doing this "60 Day Challenge" thing on Facebook where you have different things to show pictures of for 60 days. Some of the stuff is kind of personal,though. The other day, I had to do one that was "A picture of something you wish you could forget." I was really vague with it and answered sadness instead of really going into detail about what I meant. I just feel sort of weird divulging my whole personal life when I have my mom, dad, and grandpa on Facebook. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so held back with my feelings though. I do a really good job of putting on a front for other people, but sometimes I just want to post my feelings all over Facebook and have someone feel bad for me for once. I'm always there for other people, but I feel like no one is ever really there for me when I'm just feeling down. I sort of feel like that's my own fault. When people ask me how I am, I lie a lot of times because I just don't want to bring other people down. I always try to be so positive, but I'm not always like that.

Wow, that was kind of more deep than I thought I'd get. Whatevs. Post more when I feel like it :)

~Morgan :)