Friday, June 3, 2011

You're tied together with a smile, but you're coming undone;

I don't even know where to start with this one. I don't even really know how I feel right now.

So, I watched "No Strings Attached" and "Blue Valentine" with my sister tonight.I really liked them both, they just sort of made me feel crappy. I use movies to escape a lot of times and all I could think of was myself while I was watching them.
"No Strings Attached" went pretty much exactly how I thought it would. I really feel like I was like Natalie Portman's character in a lot of ways. She pretty much refused to let herself be in a relationship because she didn't like who she became when she was in a relationship. And then when she met someone who she actually liked, she was too scared to take a chance. STORY OF MY LIFE. I am still scarred from past relationships. I don't want to be in a relationship because I don't want to have to go through all of the hurt again. Atleast when you just have a boy and not a boyfriend, when it ends, you don't have to go through all of the awkward stuff. There's no going from "in a relationship" to "single" on Facebook. You don't have to tell anyone anything. You owe absolutely no one an explanation. And if you get hurt, you can mourn in peace. Lately, though, I've just sort of been sick of feeling like I have to do that when I see all of these other people in their happy relationships. Why does everyone else deserve to be so happy? Why are all of these terrible people who do terrible things getting to have great relationships? I feel like I'm such a good person. I probably just revoked my 'good person' card by saying that, but whatever. I just don't understand. So many people tell me how amazing I am. How I'm so beautiful and sweet and funny and how anyone would be lucky to get the chance to know me. Why is it then that I am always a second choice? No one is fighting for my attention. No one is doing nice things for me. No one is trying to be my knight in shining armor. How is that fair to me? What did I do to deserve this? I don't want to hear all of the shit about how I just have to be patient. I don't want to hear that people aren't worthy of me. That doesn't make me feel better. I just want to know why. Why do I have to be different? Why do I have to fight so hard when things just come so easy to everyone else?

I also just really feel alone right now, honestly. I feel like I'm there for so many people, but when I need help, everyone is busy or the answer I get is something not comforting at all. Maybe it's my fault? I just don't open up to people very much. Even my closest friends don't know what I'm actually feeling a lot of times. I always put on this happy face like everything is just wonderful, but sometimes, things just aren't wonderful. I sort of feel like my problems aren't important enough, though. People are dealing with this life-changing stuff and I'm just mad that I can't find a nice guy. I'm just afraid to open up, too, I guess. Things have just been thrown back in my face A LOT.

I'm a really genuine person when it comes to telling other people how I feel. So many other people just aren't, though. I have SO much faith in everyone. I give everyone so many chances. I don't allow myself to be mad at anyone or hate anyone because my body is just not physically capable. Like literally, I CAN'T be mad at someone. Somehow, I always turn it around to be my fault. Even when I so badly just want to hate someone for even a second, I can't let myself have the thought. When I think of someone, I think of all of the good things wayyyyyy before I think about the bad things. People may be annoying, but I just can't help but be friends with everyone. I can't have anyone be mad at me. I can't take it. Like, people have done some mean things to me lately and all I want is for everyone to feel okay, even though I'm not okay. I just take everyone else's pain and put it on myself. I somehow come up with a way for things to be my fault and then I feel bad.

I don't know how I'm really feeling. I'm so conflicted and hurt and confused honestly. I so badly just want to be happy and get rid of all of these negative thoughts. I thought I was really doing good for a while and all of a sudden, the carpet was pulled from under my feet and now I don't know.

So, I'm going to pick up the pieces of whoever the hell I am right now and I'm gonna put myself back together. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of friendship. I am worthy of being myself. Maybe I'm too nice and I care too much, but I guess that's a whole lot better than hating everyone and not caring at all.

I think Marilyn Monroe said it best,"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." <3

1 comment:

  1. Morgan you are a beautiful wonderful girl and even though I may be a guy and (did have a crush on you, even though we were never truly friends) you are very insightful and know what you are talking about and know exactly how you feel you should keep writings these because I know how you feel with everything including the love.

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